Issues of Death. (Tuesday, November 11, 2014 / 4:56 PM)
Withering Souls.
A little more personal and real part of me this time.
In a way, death has always been a really touchy issue for me, especially since my grandpa's death. Growing up, my family had this routine of going to my grandparents' house every single week. I guess somewhere along the line, I have to admit that I took this "routine" for granted. As I grew older and went into a "rebellious stage", I spent more time out of house and eventually spent more of my Sundays out studying rather than going to my grandparents' house. And these, are moments I will never be able to get back.
When my grandpa first fell sick, maybe I was a little too naive then, but I always believed and thought that he would get well soon - eventually at least. Things got worse as time went by, even as he got discharged from the hospital. While I still see him at my grandparents' house then, things weren't really the same anymore. Gradually, as time past, things got real when he passed on one day - just on the night of my O levels Chinese examinations. At that moment in time, I was just really overwhelmed by shock, and then grief. And probably regret.
That's when the changes started.
Things became completely different then. I started to draw myself away from my family and friends, and remained quiet even when I hung out with them. In a way, I felt as if by doing that I would be relieving memories of my grandpa. Grandpa, he was a man full of strength, but extremely quiet. He'd laughed when someone said something funny but was always firm with us. Firm, yet caring. He may appear to be cold, but I knew that he paid attention to his surroundings a lot. And I knew he cared for every single one of us, so, so much. Just like how he cares for his community. I will always remember seeing him, (as I head to his house), collecting leaves along the road around his neighbourhood just to "tidy up". It wasn't his job whatsoever, but he was playing an active role as a resident there. By keeping myself quiet, I felt like I was putting myself in his shoes, just observing and paying close attention to my surroundings. But my grief and silence was what eventually kept people away. For a long while, I was in such a trance that I didn't even notice what was going on around me, until someone had a serious talk with me, that really woke me up. Till this day, I am really grateful for all the friends, especially my clique of friends who kept by my side all the way.
Shortly after, my grandma fell sick too. This time though, I kept my distance. Looking back now, it was really selfish of me, I know. But I guess, though not justifiable, a part of me was just really afraid. Growing up, I've always been closer to my grandma. Yet, perhaps because of the state of denial that I was going through, I didn't visit her when she was in the hospital. (Honestly, now, I really really hate going to the hospitals.) When she recovered from her stroke and was sent back home, I started visiting her once more, thinking that everything is alright now. Naive, I know. Things were going down in my life and I felt like I was stuck in my valley, yet, lying on her bed, my grandma held me and said, "You can do it." These words were what kept me going all the way.
Things went really wrong when she was once more admitted into the hospital. Given my fear of hospitals (since young) and also my stage of denial, I (once more) didn't visit her. Thinking about it now, I feel horrible. I prayed for her recovery, did all I could, just except visiting her. Thank God, there was a turn in her situation and things were starting to look up again. In fear of losing her as well, I kept praying for full recovery. It was just too soon. On one particular Friday though, 3rd May to be exact, we were given news that she was getting better and could be discharged soon. On the same Friday evening however, due to sudden complications, my grandma left, to join my grandpa. I've always regretted not visiting her, it is selfish of me. But I couldn't help it. I can only thank God I wasn't selfish enough to stop my mum from visiting her on her last night. But that's a story for another day.. When she left, I decided to keep it to myself. After all, keeping it to yourself makes everything less real.
Eventually though, it got out of the bag and some of my friends came down to the wake to visit. Gratefulness, is the only word I can use. Grateful, I really am. I can't imagine how I would end up without their help and support. My grandma's last four words for me have always pushed me to keep striving forward, to keep going on. Despite all the regrets I have, I'm grateful that I still have the little things, the small precious moments that I can grasp on to. I wish I could turn things around, change some actions, cherish some moments better, but this is how life works. I will never be able to get my grandparents back, and I will never be able to get my family back as to how it used to be. But, I am still grateful for what I once had. Maybe that's why death has been such a sensitive issue for me.
When my grandma passed away, that was also when my God-blaming moments started. I was really really angry at God for taking her away. And I couldn't understand why she had to leave at such a time. It felt like God was playing a big fat joke on me when she passed away on the same day she was supposed to be discharged from the hospital. For a long time, despite still attending church regularly, I found myself bitter and angry towards Him. When my friends told me that my grandma had lived a long time, I would merely smile and nod my head. While I understood their kind gestures and concern, I was stuck in my own thoughts of fear, denial and grief. By the grace of God, I have friends who kept bringing me back to God's house, week after week. Until one moment of encounter with God completely broke my shell. During the Emerge Camp, while attending a workshop on learning how to seek God's presence through worship, I felt as if God broke through every single barrier around my heart. An encounter that turned my heart around.
Things will never be the same again, and neither do I have all the answers that I wanted. But I believe that despite all that had happen, there is still a purpose. Regardless of what happens or happened, I'm grateful that I have a Father that never (ever) gives up on me, even when I blame Him or am angry towards Him. I'm grateful for friends who kept reaching out to me even when I was cold towards them. Thank God for grace, for protection and for love. As sensitive as death is, I now understand how I can use my life to help others, to appreciate every single moment much more and to love gigantically. :)
Angels, (Monday, October 27, 2014 / 1:48 PM)
"There's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shore, no matter how many times it's sent away." - Ms Rach
Sometimes in life, God send us human disguised angels. They were meant to shape you, mould you and teach you a lesson. It may not be in the most loving way, but one day, you'll turn back and realise how important that particular lesson was. And how meaningful it had became. God also sends us lovely angels, to help us as we stumble and fall; to lead us not back to where we fell from, but towards a new direction, another door. And more often than not, we may feel alone, wondering why nobody understand what we're going through and why nobody bothered to ask (us) about it. And while I'm writing this, I wonder if God thinks to Himself, "Does Jesus' crucifixion not matter? Am I not listening to what your heart says?"
Sometimes when we get caught up in our own troubles and circumstances, we wonder why nobody ask how we're doing and how we are coping. But we fail to realise that there is no one single person, that do not face any problems happening in their lives. While we were all so consumed by our problems and difficulties, we forget that everyone also have their own battles to fight and conquer. We forget that even the kindest and most spiritual person, is also just another human. Just like us. No one is able to read minds, no one knows what the other is going through, until you decide to speak up. Until you decide to approach someone for help. And if you did, we still, might not be able to help you. We are after all, humans. What we really need to do, is to look upon the Lord. Finding someone to confide in might help, but ultimately, we really should and need to rely on the One above us all.
"What other King leaves the throne? What other King leaves His glory to die?... This is amazing grace, this is unfailing love.. That You would take my place, that You would bear my cross. You who laid down Your life, that I would be set free. Jesus I sing for, all that You've done for me."
Photo credits respective to owner. :)
Covered; Covered by Your Grace. (Sunday, October 12, 2014 / 4:16 PM)
"No matter what I've done,
No matter where I've been,
No matter how I fall,
You pick me up again.
You have removed my shame,
You take me as i am.
You call me justified,
Now i am covered by Your grace.
Covered.. Covered.. Covered by Your Grace."
Hello hello! :) Haven't blog in a long while. Apologies for that! Been really busy for the past few days (and weeks). Been penning down my thoughts on my phone (when I'm on the go), since I don't have time to blog out a full post (this one is a fresh thought though! :) ).
During this (extremely busy and chaotic) period, I'm really really (extremely) (insert-all-possible-and-related-words) grateful for my friends who kept supporting me and pushing me to keep going. Most importantly, thank God for His strength, His grace and His mercy. I would never, never be able to do it without Him guiding, leading and providing for me. I've learnt that sometimes in the midst of all your busyness and chaos, you have to quieten your heart and simply do nothing but seek Him and wait patiently for Him. And when you earnestly seek Him, you will know that He has always been waiting for you to approach Him and rely on Him. You see, our Father, is loving and gentle like that. He doesn't like to force upon us. Instead, He allow us to have our own way, and wait patiently for us to look up to Him, to rely on Him, and will
always be there when we finally decided to. We really serve a great God!
During this journey, while it had been extremely hard and torturous, I've to say that I've been greatly impacted by the things I've learnt. Being in difficult situations make me want to wallow in self pity and just stay there for the rest of my life (maybe a little exaggerated but still.) and not pick myself up. But I've learnt that I
need to constantly, and more precisely, actively thank God. There are many things that all of us may take for granted. And during this while period, I really learn how to be grateful again, even for the simplest things. Of course, there are many times when I got really frustrated or when I wanted to give up because it seems almost impossible and it was too tough at that time. Then, I was reminded of these quotes.. (pardon my quote collecting obsession) "
It always seems impossible until its done." ; "
At first glance, it may appear too hard. Look again, always look again."
Truly, God is never too early, and neither will He be late. He is always right on time. We must trust in Him that everything will work out for good, and allow the peace of God to dwell in us. I still remember, just recently, I was so stressed out that I started to break down on the cab (on my way to school). I believe that in the back of my head, I knew that everything was going to be alright. But somehow, I was so stressed out for the entire week (without any breaks) that I couldn't take it anymore. I still don't know how I did it. It must be God. Half-crying & half-praying, I felt the peace of God surround me. And even though there were urgent issues (of school work) popping up while I was in the cab, somehow the peace of God really kept me calm and not make me panicky, which i usually would. And in the end, God provided the solution, my way out. Blessed. Thank You, my Father, for providing for me, protecting me, pouring down Your peace, grace, mercy and most importantly.. Love. "Lessons" I'll never forget. Thank You Jesus. :)
"The Lord is my light and my salvation — so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? When evil people come to devour me, when my enemies and foe attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident."
— Psalm 27:1-3 (NLT)
*Photo credits to respective owner.
Gratitude. (Friday, September 26, 2014 / 9:47 PM)
"As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after thee
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship thee
You alone are my strength, my shield
To you alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship thee"
Slightly more than a month ago, I had a crisis in my life and started to "lose control" over my thoughts. At that time, it doesn't seem that bad. And I thought, this would pass soon. Over time, things started getting worse and every problem just seems to be compressing onto each other. Eventually, my negative thoughts overwhelmed every single positive thought I could come out with. As I had no idea who I could confide to, and neither do I trust anyone enough to tell them, I ended up rehearsing those thoughts in my mind all day long. Eventually, I started socialising less and less and chose to keep to myself instead. There are days where I found myself wondering why I should keep trying to smile. I was extremely tired. One night, I found myself in a similar situation of my past. A stupid decision then, but I reckon its a habit I would fall back into if I don't correct myself. And I guess that's where all my thoughts took a further fall into the black pit. I would never imagine myself to be back where I used to be, only worse. This went on.. and on and on. Until one day, I met up with a friend. Throughout dinner, she was her usual self, bubbly and cheerful. As a work problem came up and she had to attend to it, I took the chance to reflect through the past hour that I've spent with her. And at that moment, joy doesn't seem to be that far away after all. I was genuinely laughing. Since then, I began to notice the many actions that people were doing which helped me to learn to be grateful again. When we get depressed, we become fearful as well. We keep nursing over our circumstances and how we are hurt, and yet fail to realise and grasp onto the brighter things that were around us. Don't, don't lose yourself in fear. The scariest thing isn't to fail, but rather to give up and end it all. To that very friend, thank you for reaching out to me. You, unconsciously, light up my life once more. Thank you for being there. And I believe that the timely meet up was God-sent. Sometimes, a change in perspective doesn't mean that things are less difficult. It simply means that you understand that there are better things ahead, waiting for you, once you pass through this storm. And sometimes, we don't realise how much lives we can touch and change, through a simple smile, an encouragement or simply, a catch up session. You never know whose life you could transform. :)
Thank You Lord, for choosing me five years ago, and by Your grace, bringing me back once more.
Faith through New Doors. (Wednesday, September 17, 2014 / 5:09 PM)
What are the Big things, if we fail to appreciate the Little ones?
God knows, that we're always going through tough things in our life. Honestly, I'm just thankful for everything that I'm going through. Both the good and the bad. Sure, its difficult. And I really really feel like giving up. But somehow, through everything, I've also gained something.
"Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." (that you do not know). A quote by Plato. I know that everyone don't have it easy, and we often take for granted the smiles on people's faces and the thought that they put in to make us happy. And I really do appreciate it now (not that I don't in the past). But I suppose I understand it a little better now. For the past month, I wouldn't call it my darkest moments. But I would say that my life felt pretty dark. And (i was reminded), truly all things happen for a reason. And only God knows why. A friend (Thanks Jianhao!) of mine, reminded me of the importance of having faith. "Life has a lot of unanswered questions, but to God, He has a reason for everything, and many of which we may never get to find out unless we go to Heaven. But I guess that's why we need faith, and that faith pleases God. Faith to believe that God is good no matter what, that we must always remember to seek God as the Person, to understand His nature... And while its never easy to have faith, faith makes things easy." Through this journey, I've learnt to be thankful again. To once again love. To forgive. To be stronger. To be happier.
Someone (honestly can't remember where I heard this) said that;
with the presence of darkness, the bright is made brighter. This period of difficulty made me go back to some bad habits, which I'm not very proud of, but I'm thankful for the people who brought light to me, even though they know nothing about what I'm going through. And it is this genuine love and care for people that touches me. I will always, always be grateful. I honestly don't know how things will turn out eventually, nothing have changed if I'm truly honest with myself. Except a new found attitude. (I suppose). Perhaps I'm not meant to be me, the old me. Maybe I shouldn't keep looking back, to look for that old form of peace and love. Instead, I should embrace whatever's going on, and keep moulding myself and take steps forward. Maybe life's just like that. When we are hit with our problems, it is a God given chance for us to be moulded under pressure and our circumstances. Because of who we are by nature, we become upset when we try to go back to how things were. But perhaps, we weren't suppose to. Alexander Graham Bell said that,
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." May we always learn and be moulded into better people, regardless of whatever doors we face today. :)
Perspective (Thursday, September 4, 2014 / 2:02 PM)
A Different Lens.
I guess I need to learn to be thankful again. To learn to open up my doors, to communicate, to bless, to listen, to stop isolating myself. Maybe i'm not supposed to go back to how I was in the past. Perhaps, I need to move forward, into something even better than how I was last time. Maybe that's the problem of having a problem. You keep wanting to go back to how things used to be. But you'll never go back to the state of yesterday, the same state of peace and calm. Because whatever problem you face, it is meant for you to change and be moulded, into something better and greater than what you were, who you once were. For the past few days, I learnt that time continues to go by, it never stops moving, no matter what you're going through. And while we're being upset and mourning and doing whatever things that we're doing, we miss out on all the chances that we could smile, or even bless somebody else. John Green says that,
"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world... But you do have some say in who hurts you." Similarly, when you get down, you have the choice of getting back up, or just stay down there dwelling in the pain. Things are still the same, equally painful, they haven't got better. But right now, I know that eventually, everything will turn out alright.
On a side note, its been four weeks into school now. Been crazy and hectic and extremely busy, but I guess I need a little more time to get use to this uni life. :) & I started my first dance class yesterday! *yay. ^v^ Things are finally getting somewhere, teeheee.
Edge of Uncertainty. (Thursday, August 28, 2014 / 1:59 PM)
Trapped, on edge.
Have you ever felt like you're confined to something? Like you're trapped in your own body. You're full of hurt but you don't know where exactly you're hurting. You're so stressed up but you don't know what to do. Time flies by and you don't know what's going on. You're not living through the motion, but neither are you living out your dreams. Have you ever heard of someone who wants to die, not because they're too depressed or anything. But just to get to heaven earlier. But, I know I'm not ready for heaven, it isn't my time yet. There's still a lot of things for me to do here on earth. Things for me to accomplish. People to impact. There is still a lot of improvement and moulding that I need in my life. But God, I'm so tired. And I'm this close to giving up. Its as if there's four walls pressing up on me, on every possible corner. Terrible, isn't exactly how I feel. Becoming numb feels more like it. God, I don't even know what's going on and how I got myself into such a big mess. But, I'm really tired. Drained, and exhausted.. I'm not stuck at a cross road. I'm in a big field. With weeds taller than me. I see nothing, except the grass that surrounds me. What's out there? What's ahead? I keep walking but there seems to be no way out. No way out of this cloudy mess, like a maze. God, help me. Lead me, I pray. And strengthen me. This is the last thread I'm holding onto. Please. Before I lose my sanity.
"For troubles surround me -- too many to count! They pile up so high I can't see my way out. They are more numerous than the hairs on my head. I have lost all my courage. Please, LORD, rescue me! Come quickly, LORD, and help me. May those who try to destroy me be humiliated and put to shame. May those who take delight in my trouble be turned back in disgrace. Let them be horrified by their shame, for they said, "Aha! We've got him now!" But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "The LORD is great!" As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord is thinking about me right now. You are my helper and my savior. Do not delay, O my God."
Psalms 40:12-17 (NLT)
Exclusive. Or Inclusive. (Monday, August 25, 2014 / 4:26 PM)
Family.
Family, the basic unit of a society.
Or so, everyone says.
I overheard a conversation on the train, saying how this child would be a lot better, only if he/she had the support of the family.
Love, from your own family.
I guess in a way, it shapes your life a lot more than what I expected.
Just a few days back, while having a family dinner, my mother's smile (towards me) reminded me of so much love. And I had a flashback of it.. Just like how she always smiled at me when I was younger. Looking back now, I realised how all of us (my brothers and I) have grown so much, and through our growing up, our parents have also aged. Yet, though we grow, we would always be like "little kids" to them. Not because they don't trust us, but because of how precious we are to them. I would never forget all the many precious moments I had with my family while I was younger. And though not all of it are pleasant, I am thankful for all that I've had. Memories of three of us playing until El got a deep cut above his eyebrow. Or Ax combing my hair until the comb got stuck and my hair had to be chopped off. Or even the quarrels between my parents.. At my old house, El and I would sit at the gate and swing our legs outside, waiting for mama to come home. Things were still going really well. Eventually, due to issues at my school, my mum had to quit her job to make sure I go to school. And she would go to daddy's office after I went to school. Time spent with her before I went to school were the best and I remember I'm always crying whenever I had to leave my mum and get on the school bus. There was once, she even had to dragged me up. The love of a mother, far exceeds what I can think of, or expect.
Honestly, I don't know what went wrong, but despite everything that happened, I'm still glad. There are things that could be better. But there's also issues that could go far worse. Exclusive or not, this feeling isn't exactly going away. Maybe, its hard for people to ever understand what you're going through. Nevertheless, family, is still family.. We may not have it all together, but together, we have it all. Just like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions, yet our root remains as one.
♥
Running. (Sunday, August 24, 2014 / 12:09 PM)
Running.
"Run!" They said.
"Go as far as you can!"
Was that a dark gloomy voice?
Or was it something bright that you heard?
Run.. Away or forward?
"Go! Run faster! Don't stop! It'll catch up on you..."
What exactly are you running away from?
What is "It"?
Stop listening to the dark gloomy voice.
The one that sounds like death is catching up.
As if failure is at your door step.
It'll never help you.
Amongst all your complaints, your cries and messy thoughts, pace yourself and just stop.
While you were "arguing" in your head, there is a still small voice speaking.
Beckoning you towards another direction.
Or perhaps urging you to keep moving forward, towards that pinhole of light and hope.
A still small voice, that can be heard when you stop all your complaints and fear-talks.
Towards a direction of hope and future.
Stop. Stop running away.
Instead, run forward. Run towards.
Running away doesn't solve any of your problems.
It just develops a layer of illusion around you.
But once you face it, over time, hurts will heal.
And you no longer have to be afraid of whatever dwells in the past.
Run. But only forward, never away.
I Breathe You In, God. (Wednesday, August 20, 2014 / 7:13 PM)
And when I don't understand
I will choose You
And when I don't understand
I will choose You
And when I don't understand
I will choose to love You, God
And You are good, God
For You are good to me
Its my honour
Its my privilege
To worship You
To worship You
For You are good, God
For You are good to me...
Amongst the greatest trial, remind me of Your mercy, Lord..
Even amongst all the confusion, remind me of Your greatness.
During the good and bad times, remind me Lord, of the very first step.
First love. First presence. First cry. First prayer.
When I was first born again..
When I don't understand, I will choose You.
I will choose to love You, God.
It is my privilege to worship You and I should never take it for granted.
When things get low,
when I'm stuck in my own whirlwind of memories,
when things get confusing,
when it seems impossible,
remind me of Your love.
Remind me, of You.
The death of someone shouldn't affect me this hard. But it did.
The memories shouldn't hurt this much. But it does.
The gathering shouldn't be this silent. But it is.
Nothing's the same. Yet, nothing really changed.
Maybe, things were already different ever since It started.
Time, it will never turn back.
I need to stop dwelling on the past, but I can't help but regret.
Would it make a difference if I spend more time with you?
Or would it hurt more when you went away?
Who's to blame? It really doesn't matter.
But I guess, it hurts a bit less, when you're more distracted.
But amidst all these, I've learnt to let go of certain things.
And sometimes, it really doesn't matter whose fault it is.
Because we just gotta keep looking forward.
There's no point looking back.
And sometimes, we simply don't understand.
We may never be able to get the answer.
Yet, when I don't understand, I've learnt..
the importance of trusting You.
Transitions. (Saturday, August 16, 2014 / 12:10 AM)
Because the past remains right where it is, and no matter how hard we try, we will never be able to re write them. Focus now, on the future. New Beginnings.
